A Twihard's Dilemma

A wonderful site, Reasoning with Vampires (http://reasoningwithvampires.tumblr.com/) take segments of the Twilight saga and points out the flaws in a witty and humorous manner. One of her posts was this:

A Twihard (hard-core Twilight fan) wrote back:

omg this whole damn tumblr is so stupid. they take EVERYTHING out of context. Just because you don’t like something doesn’t mean it’s stupid and doesn’t make sense. The fact that you are spending so much time on something you hate is just mind boggling to me.

p.s.- your argument is invalid because i googled “male raincoat model” and this came up. meaning you searched for the ugliest pictures you could find. you are so cool.

-MeganFrenchie

To begin with, your picture isn't exactly an argument either. It's simply another picture that, roughly translated, means "Humans wear raincoats too". As Reasoning with Vampires has stated numerous times, her tumblr is not time-consuming. We don't like the books because they're nonsensical and stupid--you're just not really grasping that relationship. I read the whole saga, she doesn't take things out of context. Capitalize the letter at the beginning of the sentence, it's proper punctuation. Swearing doesn't make your point, it's simply crude. You seem to be a bit confused about how to construct a proper sentence--you would rewrite that one sentence like so: If you dislike something, it does not make it stupid and nonsensical. You can't use double negatives--it cancels out the meaning of the sentence. It is very funny to see you get worked up like this. Clearly you think these are good books so I feel the need to remind you that when Bella's first boyfriend (Edward) breaks up with her, she jumps off a cliff. Now don't say "yeah, but into water" because I will then point out that it is a fact that jumping from more than twenty feet above water (and surely if it's a cliff it's taller than that) you will be ripped limb from limb. Furthermore, you will note she then sees Edward in a fit of delusion and tries to drown herself to be with this mirage. It is not healthy. Finally, you can't speak sarcastically in type. No one can hear you, thus ability to recognize sarcasm is rendered moot.

And here we come to the core of my post, a Twihard's dilemma. A very difficult position presents itself: defend your fandom and sound like an inarticulate fool or let the truth be told.

I Scare Myself Sometimes

today, whilst aimlessly skimming along the internet (who needs Bing? clicking on every link that comes your way is a great time killer and has the bonus effect of being amusing) I came across a photo that looked something like this:

The caption said "violet-winged butterfly". 
I read "violent-wig butter moth".

Curse you, brain.

Hogwarts Acceptance Letters

Let's face it; everyone wants to go to Hogwarts. Honestly, why wouldn't a person choose to go to a magical castle? Unfortunately, 12-year-olds around the world must accept the harsh reality that they are not, in actuality, a witch or wizard. Despite the fervent wishing and the fantasies lingering in their minds about how they, too, could face Voldemort and have incredible powers they are not "The Chosen One". Some already knew, deep in their hearts, that such a thing could not exist. There was no history of attending Hogwarts in the family and they hadn't exhibited any extraordinary abilities. Perhaps they clung to the faint hope that they would be a muggleborn- it would not be such a hardship, enduring the name of "mudblood" if only they could brandish a wand. Others simply never saw Hogwarts as a place. It was purely fictitious, only reachable by J.K. Rowling's stretch and twist of their imagination. But the majority, the die-hard fans who found the book was more than just ink on paper, believed. They believed like the Darling children believed in fairies*. If you were one of these fans before the age of 11, you simply knew an envelope, addressed in green script as to your exact location, would appear at your doorstep. It was true that nothing spectacular had occurred around you, but that was surely just a glitch. Perhaps there was a psychological block preventing you from seeing it--maybe you were an underveloped master of magic. But you were absolutely positive that in just a few years time you would be strolling through the halls on your way to potions instead of science. But alas, the saying is true "we all secretly cried when we didn't get our Hogwarts Acceptance Letter". The disappointment was almost unbearable as you sat through another math lesson, wanting to stick a rusty fork in your eye because of the sheer boredom of those horrid workbooks. As for me, I wasn't upset during fifth grade, the american equivalent of a 1st year. I had a backup plan. There were two possible times one would get into Hogwarts: when fifth grade rolled around or when they turned eleven. This provided me with two options. Since I was a year younger than most of my classmates, I would be 10 during fifth grade. Therefore, I would either receive my sealed letter the summer before, or after when I turned eleven. It made sense- I would only be about a month older than Harry and I was fairly sure Ron was about six months older than me. So when sixth grade came, my disappointment was immense. It was a difficult burden to bear, leaving a cloud of sadness in the back of my mind. My plans were about as successful as playing keep-it-up with a lead balloon. But I was beyond crying. And now I am still at my muggle school, going to boring muggle lessons but contenting myself with the fact that at least I'm not a squib and don't have to watch my parents be all awesome. Unless having eyes in the back of your head qualifies as magic.

Crushed Dreams

*Peter Pan Reference

Long-time no see

I haven't posted in a while. Do you know why? Not much has happened. It's summer, which means going to bed at 2 am and waking up again at noon. Also I've been in Florida for two weeks. We saw a couple of dolphins which have been named Flipper and Indigo-Manami and there was no oil (we were in the pan handle). This makes me very happy, coupled with the fact that the leak has been capped. But since then everything interesting has ceased to occur. Oh, wait, update: something slightly interesting is happening right now! My brother is playing Michael Myers, an unofficial online Call of Duty game based on the killing technique of the main character of Halloween-whoever is MM may only use knives and only the last alive on the opposing team can kill him (just with knives). oh, and my cat is rubbing against velcro. It will be interesting to see how that turns out. But really, that's it.

A Sad Defeat

We lost to Ghana in the FIFA World Cup. This is a very tragic event because it is the second time we've lost to them in said World Cup. Furthermore the Cup only comes around every 4 years so as you can see, this is doubly sad. But have you seen the weird victory dance the Ghanains do? Honestly, I've never seen something like that! They were moving their hips all over the place! Does that not strike you as even the slightest bit feminine? Also, this was the first soccer game I've watched. Yes, ever. Anyway, when the players started taking off their shirts I found it a little odd--it was supposed to be kinda cold over there. When they exchanged jerseys it started to make sense though. Back to the point--it was a sad and emotionally crushing defeat, particularly since the players might not be able to come back next time. And I mean, come on! We're the USA--we do NOT lose! What is this? I think the proper soundtrack for the end of the game is 'It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)'

Cat vs. Pipe Cleaners

I believe at this point you are well acquainted with Fiona. She has lots of toys, accumulated over the course of several christmases--most are birds or mice. But she has gotten crafty and found a new toy in our craft room (get it now: crafty--craft room? eh?). She has found pipe cleaners. She believes these to be some strange alien creatures and I know this because she routinely attacks them. Every once in a while she pulls one of the craft room and pounces on it. She then jumps back, stares at it (flicking her tail viciously) and proceeds to pounce again. Usually when she bats at it the fuzzy wire skids a little and this supports her theory of "it's alive, I'm only defending the territory". So she "chases" it around the house, eventually growing bored and leaving it in the hallway. It then mysteriously disappears, which I suspect has something to do with the dog, Mae. So in the course of this epic battle I suppose Fiona wins because an inanimate object really can't win, can it?

Message in a...Puppy?

a puppy picture is a great way to communicate. The adorableness of the puppy prevents any anger from being cast upon you. For example:

If you want to be comforted:

If you want to make it clear your girlfriend is off limits to others:

If you want to exert influence over someone:

If you want to make it clear you have a learning disability:

Finally, if you want to make it clear you are the absolute center of attention at all times:

Do you see? Puppy messages are the best messages.

FIFA World Cup

The USA beat Algeria 1-0! Can you believe it? We won Group C, the first time since 1930! I really don't know much about sports so I'm just getting all of this from ESPN. It is very exciting, nonetheless. Landon Donovan, of Green Bay (Cheeseheads Unite!), scored the goal. It appears that it slipped out of the goalie's hands and he kicked it in the net. I know this because the boys in my health class made a big deal of it. We were at the grocery store (we honestly take field trips there; why?) and two boys come sprinting up the aisle. "We scored!" they yell, then jump on top of another kid.  And this is how I get all my information

Spencer

Here is the guest post that you so greatly anticipated! I believe you will enjoy it...

I have an energetic pet named Spencer....a proper and fitting name for a dog of English heritage. He is a Norwich terrier to be exact, a bouncy and lovable one. This is a paradox, really. Because he is so adorable, the mayhem he has caused in our household is overlooked and he is still special in our eyes. As our vet bills increase, so do his ploys. First it was the snake he swallowed. So be it, it was dead; it still was with great anxiety that I watched the episode. He was six months old and quickly swallowed the darn thing WHOLE! Oooooowe, must have tasted good. For that little antic, there was a visit to the vets and later another visit with severe intestinal problems. Shots and antibiotics were in order and two vet bills! Then there was the rubber mat under the Oriental rug, parts of which he promptly swallowed. My, how his taste buds fluctuate! Another trip to the vets was required and a stomach pumping. Everything came back up, so the intestinal track was spared this time. However, another billing was incurred.


As the cacophony of the tree frogs increases around the pool in the evenings, he has taken to nose butting the frogs into the pool with great delight... he took it just that tiny bit too far, though, when he swallowed one whole and alive! Didn't hear the frog squeak, but I did. Well, well, another trip to the vets for intestinal distress....more medication and another vet bill.

This is what the bible refers to as Agape love! Love, love, love the little critter except for his BAD BREATH....frog breath to be exact. Need I explain more?

PS I have just purchased meat flavored tooth paste and a doggie tooth brush. I think it will work if he doesn't swallow it.

--Random Walker


edited by Kelsey ;)

Introducing the Random Walker

I would like to introduce a guest poster: the Random Walker. She chose this when asked to select a name because "that should describe the randomness in which I think half the time….can”t run…just walk!". She will be doing a couple guest posts every once in a while. It will still say that I posted it but I will sign it Random Walker for your benefit. There will probably be a post by her up tomorrow, but that is dependent on if I get around to editing it.

Helicopters

I heard that in the '80s girls would pull their hair into ponytails on top of their heads. I (and pretty much everyone I know) find that this is incredibly odd. Honestly, why would you want hair shooting out of the top of your head like a wilted corn stalk? But we have recently discovered one good use for it: helicopters. Helicopters go like this: when you spin your head, the hair goes around like the blades of a helicopter. When I say helicopter you may think of this:

I have been trained by Mario to think of this:

But that is another story. Anyway, doing helicopter with your hair is trés amusant and is good for your neck muscles. Possibly. I mean, you are rolling your neck but not like how you roll your ankle, more like how you loosen your neck in stretches. Moving right along: if you are ever tired or giddy or anything really, try the hair helicopter. It will take your mind off anything and release energy. I think I might try to patent it:

The Hair Helicopter

Good for any time or place: One ponytail holder and you're good to go!

Okay, so you probably can't patent hairstyle; this may be more than just a hairstyle. Ish. Or not.

Isn't this interesting? You've learned about my mental image of helicopters AND what to do with your hair when you are bored. I'm sure you're just in awe at how in intellectual this post is. Anywho, ta-ta.

Saturday(ish) Quotes

I have been lagging on my Saturday Quotes so I thought I would catch up:

Math Teacher: "What do police mean when they say 'perp'?"
Class: "Perpendicular!"
Math Teacher: "POLICE."

"I was playing the flugle horn."
"...You have to play it to be worthy of the cheesehead*."

"There's a baby picture of a caveman and they think it's you."

"Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. Then if you criticize them you'll be a mile away and have their shoes."

"Because in France if you don't have time to go to a restaurant you might as well die."

"We are misnamed addition aardvark buddies."

"My grandmother invented the spork."

"How do you speak Spanish in Latin?"

"I put Spanish exclamations on my math homework."

"His nose is in his face!"

Feel free to submit some of your own in the comments.

*this is a Greenbay Packer reference

Fiona- the Birdy

A bit more about her and cats in general. Fiona is usually very sweet and only claws me to death when I hold her for too long or it's mealtime. The problem with cats is their insane nature. It is unavoidable--the furry freak gene is not recessive. So a couple days ago my mother had found two beautiful hawk feathers. Being the Harry Potter nerd I am, I planned to use them as quills. Unfortunately, Fiona found them and probably thinks they are birds. I later discovered them on the floor, savaged and cased in cat saliva. This has happened three times now and they are mauled beyond repair. This has brought me to the conclusion that Fiona is a menace with fur. A really, really cute menace, but still one nonetheless. This is the ultimate flaw of cats- they have this instinct to destroy everything within 5 feet of the ground. Now I am faced with the inexplicable-ness of loving an adorable feline psychopath.

Oil Spill

Today, I'd like you all to take a moment of silence for the Oil Spill. You see, I am particularly sad today because the beach that my family visits in Florida has been overcome; there are tar balls floating in the water. Did you know there are people in Florida who are swimming in the oil? Does this not seem like a very creative form of suicide? If someone so much as lit a match you'd be an inferno in a matter of seconds. So please, pray for these poor souls--the people who are foolish, the people whose livelihoods have been destroyed, and the people whose vacation homes have been lost (that would be me). And if you don't pray, take this moment to grieve (or something like that; maybe 'omm' or bang your head against a wall as a sign of anguish, I really don't know). P.S. this post should make the word 'bp' synonymous with the word 'havoc' or 'chaos'

Cannot vs. Can not

Have you ever thought about the difference between the two? No? Well, that just confirms the fact that I'm strange, so nothing new. But anyway, this is one of those things that makes me think the English language is whacked out. How do people learn English? Back to the point: you see, one means 'incapable of doing' and the other means 'has the ability not to'. It's such a tiny difference, it doesn't really matter but still. I wonder how many words there would be if we broke down all those tiny inconsistencies into new words. Far too many is the answer you are searching for.

Call of Duty

Today, my brother tried to teach me how to play CODMOD (Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2). He showed me how to aim, run around, and shoot. This is really all you need to know. So I was running around in an online game, trying to keep looking straight ahead, and I wandered into a greenhouse. Whilst trying to find the exit, I was knifed. I'm pretty sure that was the first kill of the game. When the kill cam played, it showed me turning in circles and staring at the ceiling. The opponent then ran, stabbed, and ran again. I think I might need a bit more practice.

Quotes

Since today is Saturday, I am going to be vair vair comique, and give you special quotes. Quotes that will make you laugh (or cry, depending on the stupidity of the quote). Quotes which, taken out of context, may be some of the funniest things you have heard. And you will wonder what on earth made someone say that. "I think that's my pen." "I know, I'm just wrapping it." "Glitter is the herpes of arts and crafts." "Harry can fondle Ginny's hair." "Ginny would be like 'what are you doing?'" "Well, they would have to be multi-tasking or else it's weird." "Sophie's masterpiece is the rectangular donut hole of the donut." "Let's just put stalking strategies and what-not." "Would it mess up how we live if the planets did a congo line?" "Why is your retainer on the leaning tower of Pisa again?" "The other day in Spanish I saw someone mysteriously walking around with a fan." "What do you mean? mermaids always fly!" "Getting a sticker at home is an honor code violation. It's falsifying official documents." I will save the rest for later. I know you're confused, and that's okay. So am I. And I heard them in context.

A Fitting Intro for My Cat

I have a beautiful calico cat named Fiona. Hers is an interesting(ish) tale. We used to feed her about eight times what she should get, so she was overweight. She is now on a diet and has lost said weight. But she still loves to eat; it's her favorite pasttime (also lounging around the house on what I suppose she presumes are her chairs). She is currently sitting in her usual spot behind the computer (This keeps her warm). It is her dinnertime now, and I am awaiting the onslaught of meows. This is why we feed her--she shuts up afterwards. Well, and we love her. But that is why we feed her on time. Fiona seems quite content. She's even stretching. Now she's kneading my face with her paws. And--there's the meowing. I am being beseeched, what with all the patting and whimpering and such. But that is her way (she also enjoys doing birdcalls at the feathered ones out the window). Fiona chose to sleep in a shoebox with her special blanket which she used to routinely attempt to milk (Caution: this may induce 'aww'ing). I'm not particularly sure what to think about Fiona, other than 'aww, she's so cute!'. I once heard that cats had a sixth sense; they sensed who was uncomfortable with them, then sat in their laps. I wonder...

Wonderful!

The word 'wonderful' is so often misused. In everyone's mind, wonderful is equivalent to great. The only problem with this, is that we have no other word quite like it. This word, when broken apart, is Full of Wonder. In the dictionary, it is defined as "of a sort that causes or arouses wonder". Wonder is "something strange and surprising". So if we use wonderful as synonymous to great, we lose a word. We lose a word to describe all the moments we are struck by the beauty of something. We lose a word to explain exactly what kind of amazing something is. We lose a word to define all those moments of innocent curiousity and childlike awe that sweeten the world. We forget a word that brings to life the beautiful, wide-eyed feeling when we see something magnificent and new to us. This is what Wonderful feels like.

Beginning

This is a blog short enough to fit into your coffee break. It is a collection of commentaries on things I find interesting. These blurbs are not necessarily serious. It is actually more likely that they will be silly, curious, or contemplative. One of my favorite things to write about are literalisms. Literalisms are expressions, such as 'you're driving me crazy', that we do not think of in the literal sense but are quite amusing when we do. Try visualizing the example. It's ridiculous, isn't it? But I like to ponder and hopefully you do too.